Evening Wanderings With Lady Heather

Goth Me

2006-10-04T20:22:00.000-07:00

My friend photoshopped me into a goth girl. I enjoy it and wanted to share.

I seriously think I could pull of such a look. Too bad when I see the goth kids in town I laugh hysterically.

Ha.

Dear irate caller,

2006-10-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

1. Taking a wenchy tone before I've even had time to complete my greeting will get you nowhere. Oh, I lie. It will get you transferred from person to person until you end up at a useless voicemail box. Have fun with that.

2. I work in the office, but I don't do every job in the office. I know nothing about insurance. I bill clients. That is all. Don't get mad at me if I don't know the details of the jobs I don't do.

3. Who the hell is "Ed"? More importantly, who the hell are you? When calling about a matter pertaining to a particular employee it is polite to let the person you are calling know who you are and who the phone call is in reference to. "Ed" does not suffice. I can only assume "Ed" is your husband, and as this is likely I can also assume that you have some idea how large our company is. We have many employees in many offices all over the province. Abbreviated first names are NOT enough.

4. Shut the hell up.

Thanks and have a good day!

Heather

The Great Defatting

2006-10-01T21:37:00.000-07:00

I just bought a scale. It has a body fat monitor and everything. Very swanky. I also have a treadmill. Therefore, it is time to begin what will here on be referred to as The Great Defatting.

Yes, I know I'm not very big, blah blah blah. But I am on the very cusp of overweight, and really it's time to do something about it. I have entered the double digits of clothing sizes and that is nowhere I want to be.

So...

Current weight: 145.8 lbs. Shudder. But not as bad as the 150 I was a month ago.
Current body fat percentage: 27.8. Not. Good. But not as bad as the 33 calculated by me and miss Ezmy last year. Hahahaha.

Updates will be frequent.

Oops.

2006-09-29T17:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here in a month.

I found this old pic of me and Leif so I thought I'd show a comparison. The top one is us last month. The bottom is us over five years ago when we first got together. Leif = jailbait.

Thank goodness I'm not blonde anymore.

Here's some good news. I work. And today I got paid.
Yesterday's bank balance: $4.52
Today's bank balance: $1238.36

Doesn't get much better than that!

In celebration, I am going to drink a bottle of Late Harvest wine. Hester Creek, naturally.

A Consolation Prize

2006-08-18T10:58:00.000-07:00

For not writing in a loooong time. Today I bring you SOLID GOLD. For serious. Right now I am awaiting the arrival of my Chronicles of Narnia DVD. You're thinking to yourself "so what?". Well, here's the catch - it was free. Not too shabby eh? Well get this - it's being paid for by Focus on the Family!

HAHAHA

Jerks. I'm sure I will have to pay a few bucks to get it across the border, but I don't care. The 30 bucks comes out of their pocket. And after I find out what the customs costs are I am going to order a bunch more and ebay them all!!! There is also the possibility of ordering masses of anti-gay literature and having a giant burning. How cleansing.

Want to get in on it? It's tons of fun, I swear. No credit cards. According to the writer of the article I will link you too, no mailing lists. All you have to do is ignore the suggested donation, and instead enter a donation of $0.00.

I laughed so hard that I was in tears the whole time I was ordering it.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=54084

Genius.

You must see this

2006-08-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Go here. Now. It is awesome.

http://personalpussyws.ytmnsfw.com/

All Basement People Must Die

2006-07-28T15:06:00.000-07:00

Okay. If you are ordering delivery food and you live in a fucking basement suite would you not tell the delivery person you live in the fucking goddam basement? The first couple of times we thought it was a delivery error, but now it happens all the fucking time. Like every second day.

I feel like shit today. My joints are swollen and sore and some stupid wench is knocking on my door. I ignore it because I'm in no mood to to be answering doors right now, so she moves to the other door where I am in plain sight through the window. FUCK. So I answer it and it's fucking food for fucking downstairs again!!! And to top it all off, they are sitting in the fucking backyard smoking like fucking chimneys and from where they are sitting they would have a perfectly clear view of the car pulling into the drive and the delivery girl standing at my fucking door!

Maybe this doesn't sound like a big deal, but seriously. All this little shit is just stacking up and it's going to make me homicidal. I HATE the basement people. HATE HATE HATE.

DIE

The end.

Question

2006-07-27T19:49:00.000-07:00

Why is this controversial?

Please help me. I look like a failure.

2006-07-15T01:38:00.000-07:00

I am walking for the BC SPCA on September 10th with my cat Pippin and my rat Julian. For this, I need to raise money. Right now my donations page looks rather sad because it tells me I have achieved 0% of my goal.

Lame.

So even if you can only spare a dollar, please find it in your heart to donate to this very worthy cause. The more you give, the faster I will walk. Seriously.

Go here:
https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/personalPage.aspx?EventID=6432&LangPref=en-CA&RegistrationID=200326

If you experience any difficulties (the website is picky) do not despair! Just email me: heather_livingstone@hotmail.com and I will send you a note that works.

Thanks!

Stolen from ze Ezmy

2006-07-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

1) Your Rock Star name: (first pet and current street name)

Baggins Vance. Ew.

2) Your Movie Star name: (grandfather/grandmother on your dad's side and your favourite candy)

Helen Rockets. Sexay.

3) Your 'Fly Girl/Guy" name: (first initial of first name and the first two or three letters of your last name)

H-Li

4) Your Detective name: (favourite animal and favourite colour)

Elephant Blue. Riiight.

5) Your Soap Opera name: (middle name and the city where you were born)

Lee Prince George?

6) Your Star Wars name: (first three letters of your last name, last three letters of your mum's maiden name, and first three letters of your pet's name)

Liv Lee Pip

7) Your Jedi name: (middle name spelled backwards and your mum's maiden name spelled backwards)

Eel Eel. Hahahaha.

8) Your Porn Star name: (middle name, father's middle initial, and the street you grew up on)

Lee I. Blackbrant. What is the obsession with middle names? Mine is so boring.

9) Your Superhero name: ('The', your favourite colour, and the automobile you drive)

The Blue Bus. HOT.

10) Your Ghetto name: (first two letters of your first name, -Shawn/Quan/Quita/Niqua, last name of whatever Prime Minister is on the currency you pull out of your pocket)

HeNiqua Laurier. Bahahaha.

Muhaha

2006-07-14T20:55:00.000-07:00

Normally I wouldn't post an email forward on here. But this is so priceless. I want to find whoever wrote this and marry him.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole
aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery
taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label and the top is
now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his
ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the
Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one
NutraSweet," ...ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back and pressing "Enter" again, the kid
who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond
Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven
deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in the first place
is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

Words I Never Thought I'd Hear My Boyfriend Say

2006-07-14T12:25:00.000-07:00

So Leif is a pretty manly man. He drinks beer, races cars and all of those sorts of things. He is also hopelessly addicted to "So You Think You Can Dance". Hahaha.

Quote from last night's phone conversation:
"So that contemporary routine from last night was pretty good eh?"

Maybe there's hope for our future as ballroom dancers after all.

If he sees this, he will kill me.

Internet is Serious Business

2006-07-11T15:26:00.000-07:00

So, a short entry today with a link to a longer and more humourous one.

http://marchtogether.blogspot.com/2006/07/murder-without-conscience.html

Go there to meet a man who thinks The Onion is for serious.

Seriously.

What. The. Fuck.

Hahahaha.

Fatty Fat Fat Fat

2006-07-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

According to height and weight charts and the measurement of my "frame size", the computer tells me I am 24 pounds overweight. I am quickly approaching the heavier end of pleasantly plump and could soon be well on my way to fat bastard. I know what you are thinking. You are looking at the picture of me and saying to yourself "She doesn't look fat to me", but I assure you - the picture lies. So a few weeks ago I decided to really take charge of things. I have a treadmill and I restrict myself to one dessert a week. Progress is being made. So in honour of my lifestyle change, today's posting will concern fatness, specifically those that are fatter than me. It makes me feel better.

Fat People That Make Me Feel Good - Part 1.
Last Thursday Leif decided to take me out for Chinese food. I had been good all week eating grilled fish and veggies and all of that, so I was deserving of a small treat. The best place for Chinese is unfortunately a large, American-type-everything's-included-buffet. These sorts of places do not attract the best looking people, but as I discovered, they are very good places to go when one is feeling fat. Kudos to the woman at the next table for making me feel like a picture of health. She was about 300 pounds and wearing the most atrocious sweat shorts and tank top that appeared to have walked out of 1990. But we will forgive her because as I sat there munching on my broccoli and chow mein, I watched her down 3 stacked plates of food, mostly deep fried of course. She then proceeded to the dessert area only to return in a huff and say "The ice cream machine is out of order" in a particularly disgusted tone of voice. For a moment I thought maybe she would pass on dessert. But she did not disappoint! She went back to the dessert area and returned with three pieces of chocolate cake, two tarts and an excessively large Pepsi. I lost my appetite after that so I stuck to tea for dessert. Thank you enormous sweat shorts lady!

Fat People That Make Me Feel Good - Part 2
A couple of weeks ago I had my weekly dessert at the local Dairy Queen, also a very good place to go when one is feeling fat. It was a hot day so we were in the lineup for a fairly long time. I'm a professional eavesdropper so I decided to listen in on the conversations around me for amusement. Behind us in the line was a family of morbidly obese people. Apparently they had just come from a barbecue and they were discussing all the things they had to eat there. Then they talked about what they had last night at the McDonald's. Then they ordered a shrimp basket (breaded shrimp, fries and toast - I've never understood the toast part) and large blizzard EACH. After a freaking barbecue! And McDonald's the day before! All of a sudden my small hot fudge sundae wasn't looking so bad. Thank you morbidly obese family!

Fat People That Make Me Feel Good - Part 3
Okay, so this is actually about my mum's fat cat Pepo. He got out of the house today. This is a big deal since he has never been outside in all of his 6 years. I had the window open what I thought to be a crack, but he somehow managed to squeeze through. I looked up just in time to see his fat ass disappear into the darkness. I closed the window so the other cat wouldn't follow and ran outside to fetch him. Turns out he is also pretty stupid because he wouldn't go near me and he just kept throwing himself headfirst into the closed window. So I thought to myself, I may be fat, but at least I'm not stupid too. So thanks fat and stupid Pepo! I feel better now!

Perhaps this was an insensitive post. It's okay though. I'm allowed to call people fat because I'm fat too. So there.

Abuse of the letter 'y' and other atrocities

2006-06-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I like to troll the old birth notices in the local paper just to see what the latest form of abuse is. There are some seriously bad names here. Shameful. So far my favourite is Keyarah Sherryne. Wtf? I'm guessing the first name is pronounced Kee-ya-ra. Terrible name. The second name appears to be a complete bastardization of Sharon.

Putting the letter 'y' in names makes them original. Here's another prime example of this incredibly genius concept: "Big sister Justyce is thrilled to announce the arrival of baby Heavyn". Oh. My. God.

There is also a big brother Nova announcing the arrival of his sister Abbigael. That's clever because when you hear it you think it's just plain old Abigail. But when you see it you realize that it's so much more unique!

I would really like someone to tell me what is up with the name Jaden. There are about a kabillion babies being called Jaden right now. Boys and girls. IT'S NOT ORIGINAL ANYMORE. Oh wait. I stand corrected. There's a Jadyn. OMG. You totally just invented a whole new name!!

OH NO! Khloe??? With a K??? BAH! You just took an already hideous name and made it even worse! Why?? And Clayne? Is that even a name? Awful. The letter K is beginning to rival Y. Two brothers: Kaine and Kale. Hahahaha. And Koen.

The official prize for worst family of trendy names has to go to the Hemeyers: Big sister is Michaela Brooklyn and little sister is Mackenzie Bailey Montana. Shudder.

THOSE ARE ALL TERRIBLE NAMES

For Mr. Harper

2006-06-17T18:55:00.000-07:00

This post is just for you Mr. Prime Minister (oh god that hurts to type). It's a special SuFi just for you because you infested Hockey Night in Canada with your smarm. What do you know about hockey anyways? Certainly no more than me. What's that? Your advice is to take the puck to the net more? YOU DON'T SAY! More shots on goal can create more scoring chances? GENIUS.

Fuck the fuck off.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Meet my cat.

2006-06-17T02:47:00.000-07:00

This is Pippin. I am really bored right now so you get to meet her. She's sitting on my lap. She's been there for a few minutes and has yet to try and eat me. That's called progress. Pippin will be a year old in August. She likes to play with her pound puppy and climb on her kitty treehouse ($100 at Petcetera and you too can show the world that you love your cat more than anyone else). She also likes to eat flowers and stalk the rat. Her favourite foods include chicken, bacon, baked beans and bananas. Really she will eat anything except for cat food that is available at a reasonable price.

So. There you go. That's my little Spots.

I told you I'd forget about this thing.

2006-06-17T01:57:00.000-07:00

That's a little message I have for the City of Prince George. Oh how I despise you. You know I mean serious business when I haul out the Sufi (that's a Super Finger for those unfamiliar with the comedic stylings of Dane Cook).

I've always been really horrible at journals and diaries and crap. Last summer I went on the trip of a lifetime - three and a half months backpacking solo through Europe. I went and bought this brand new journal to make a record of this dream come true. It has one entry in it. So basically, the odds of me keeping this thing up on a regular basis when my life is as boring as it is right now are pretty slim.

So I remain unemployed at the moment. It is nearly 2 am once again and I'm still up because I can't sleep because I don't know how I'm going to pay for shit. It's times like this that I just want to run away. I think it's what we do in our family. At least it's a trend I've noticed. All I can think about is Italy and how if I was there at least the wine would be cheap. But I guess I have to remain in Prince George, Canada's answer to the asshole. You know what I say? Mountain pine beetles can fuck the fuck off. This place already sucked and now most of the trees are dead. Way to take away the only thing this craphole had going for it you stupid beetles.

Fortunately for me, I have developed a plan of action. It probably won't give me any results until September, but that's fine. Neither will looking for stupid office jobs. Apparently my four and half years at university has not equipped me with enough knowledge to take phone calls or type. My plan of action is as follows:

1. Get eyes checked and purchase new contacts. It's very hard to look for work when you can't see a damn thing.
2. Write some cheesy articles on BC archaeology and peddle them to local publications at a rate of 50 cents per word. You betcha.
3. Somehow get bank to give me a line of credit so I can purchase a piano and necessary items to start teaching some lessons.
4. If previous three items fail, overdose on retardedly expensive allergy pills.

Da bears

2006-06-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

We went camping this weekend and we saw two bears! Not a big shocker since the site we were at was on Grizzly Avenue which runs along Bear Lake.

The grizzly pic didn't turn out but the black bear was more cooperative.

Hurrah!

A Message From My Cheeseburger

2006-06-04T15:14:00.000-07:00

Math Skills

2006-05-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

Ah, Venn Diagrams. So full of worldly wisdom.

Don't mind me. I'm just throwing a lot of crap on here so I don't feel bad when I forget about it for two weeks.

2006-05-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

Think about it. Ha!

Want to live longer? Stop trying to have sex so much!

2006-05-31T14:52:00.000-07:00

Right now I am waiting for some woman to call me back about a job I applied for yesterday. I've just been sitting here all day, paranoid that I'll miss the call. I swear, my entire life feels like it should be set to the tune of the Jeopardy theme song. Waiting and stress. It's all I do.

So I decided to kill some time by perusing the internet news and came across this little gem: "Men die young in pursuit of sex, researchers say". Intriguing, but fairly self-explanatory. It's just your basic, run of the mill sociobiological argument that all we humans do is try to reproduce ourselves. Blah, blah, blah impressive daring feats to attract the ladies, etc.

As one might expect, I as a normal, thinking person have some problems with this article.

Problem 1:
"Kruger said you only need to look at bar fights, the higher rate of men than women who die in car accidents, sex-based suicide statistics and higher rates of accidental deaths overall to connect the dots."

I know when I'm committing suicide all I'm thinking about is how it will contribute to my reproductive success.

Problem 2:
"And the human male is not alone in his predicament. A guy who speeds through the city in his big SUV with his speakers blasting can be likened to a buck with big antlers or a male peacock with a great plume, all of whom become targets for both female attention and male-on-male competition."

I would like to think that most men have greater cognitive capacity than a deer or a peacock. I am offended on behalf of all men that this article insinuates they do not. Furthermore, are women actually attracted to this crap? Those are not the men I have sex with, they are the men I make fun of. Oh...your shite music is soooo loud. Let's have babies!

Problem 3:
"And though times have changed and women might prefer an emotionally supportive partner over a daredevil, Kruger said that our hard-wiring has not had time to catch up."

This makes no sense. This man obviously obtained his PhD from Uncle Jim Bob's PhD Emporium. If how we attract attention from the opposite sex is hard-wired shouldn't it also be that the traits we look for are hard-wired too? So the women's hardwired need to have some violent, crazy, risk-taking man has been able to change, but the man's ability to figure out how to get some hasn't had time? I don't buy it. Personally I have a hard time believing that most women even wanted such a thing in the first place. What they were more likely looking for was stability in a time when food was not always guaranteed. Perhaps the men who were successful in these risky ventures were able to better provide. I'm pretty sure it has little to do with being impressed by some manly display. If it did we'd probably still be attracted to it today.

My conclusion:
Assuming that men put on these ridiculous displays of manliness for our benefit is the equivalent of assuming that women do their hair and makeup everyday to attract men. I'd say it's more likely these actions are meant to impress the same sex.

And...some men are utter retards.

"Kruger said men who want to live longer need to make accommodations for their susceptibilities. Knowing they have increased physiological risks, they need to take extra care of themselves less smoking, less drinking and less chasing the girls around town in fast cars."

They don't have a choice Dr. Kruger. They have to chase us because we're RUNNING AWAY.

It's 2am. Do you know where your mind is?

2006-05-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to find mine. I'm university-educated, relatively well-traveled, friendly and inciteful. Somehow I am currently stuck in a go-nowhere town in northern BC and find myself unemployed and leeching off my thankfully gainfully employed boyfriend. I'm losing my marbles. So I figured I may as well blog. After all, it's 2006 and all the cool kids are doing it.

Perhaps my standards are too high. I see numerous signs around town seeking burger flippers and Timmie's coffee and sandwich servers. I just can't bring myself to do it. So here I will remain, awaiting the elusive office job. I read a lot about how university graduates expect too much from their first job. Is 12 bucks an hour and a lack of grease too much to ask? Really?

Sigh.